You know that we've been really good friends for a very long time. Around 11 years, just about. Some of that time we went without speaking, but we always reconnected and we always picked up right where we left off. We've commonly referred to ourselves as a volcano meeting a tornado. We are two strong willed, very bright personalities. We are also both stubborn to a fault, and way too confident in ourselves. But, we both love the flying fuck out of the other. That's how it's always been. This is not the first time I've tried to kill myself. This is just the first time you've been able to validate blaming yourself. Well, I hate to break it to you, but when I sat on my bed room floor and swallowed 24 Tylenol, I was not doing it because I couldn't be your girlfriend. Now, I know I said that I felt like I couldn't live without being your girlfriend when I was having that emotional meltdown in the parking lot of J Mall, but when I texted you on my spring break and said "that's the last time I'm going to say that (I love you)" or something along those lines, I meant that. I was desperately trying to adjust to what you wanted, which was to be friends. I didn't want to throw away 11 years of friendship. Who would want that? I had shifted my mind frame to focus on being your friend. Now, in the 11 years that we've been friends I have been in either one or two places. I've either had a secret crush on you that I couldn't tell you about or in a relationship with someone else and emotionally occupied. But it always seemed to come back to you. There were times that you were in a relationship and I gave you advice on that relationship. But I had feelings for you. I wanted to be that special person in your life. Did it affect my friendship with you? No. Was I only your friend because I was waiting to be your girlfriend? No. The only difference between the past decade of our lives and now is that you are aware of how I feel. You then will second guess everything I say or suggest as some evil backhanded ploy to steal you back. Which is understandable, but also messed up. It's messed up because in order for that to be true, I'd have to be the kind of person who plays mind games and who doesn't try to be as transparent as possible, both of which are not me, as we both know Now, I'm not going to say that our situation had nothing to do with my decision to attempt to take my life because that wouldn't be true. But the past three times I've tried this, my situation with you also played a part. It was not the main reason. But it was fuel to the fire. The big reason was that I felt overwhelmed and out of choices. I felt like everything bad was happening to me and that my only way out was to stop living. When I get that sort of head space where I feel alone and hopeless, it's easy to convince yourself that you have no options and that suicide is the only way out. I had drowned myself in these thoughts that I didn't think to call someone or talk to someone. I'm only now being able to verbalize them properly, so how could I do that in the moment? The only thing I was thinking of as I laid in bed and waited for the wave of nausea to spread over me was that I wasn't going to have to deal with going here, going there, finishing a paper, taking showers, getting haircuts, studying for finals. I could just be at peace and not have any responsibilities. I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular. I was only thinking of me. Now, here comes the part that you might not like. When I was finally able to come home after 3 days in an intensive inpatient psychiatric program, the first person I wanted to tell that Inwas home was YOU. Why? Because after all the pain we've caused each other and all that we've helped each other through and all we've forgiven each other for., I consider you my best friend. The person who would understand. And what happens? You tell me that you're choosing yourself and your sanity by walking out of my life. Now, I know I can drive people bonkers. I have a weird, dark, poorly-timed sense of humor. I live at the will of my emotions. I'm truthful to a fault. I'm judgemental. And, most importantly, I'm independent and selfish. Sometimes, these things help me. But when it comes to making friends and being in healthy relationships, they are horrible traits. And I can't blame you for walking out of my life on the basis of choosing your sanity. That's why you did it in high school. That's why you did it in January. That's why you did it freshman year of college. But what I don't understand is that it came from you. The person who has sat in the phone with me for hours on end at all hours of the night while I broke down. Every other person would hang up, have hung up, because they didn't have time or the energy to deal with me. But you have always been there for me. You've never chosen yourself. And I've always been there for you. I've given you advice even when it burned on the way out. So, for you to chose yourself and your sanity now was a big fat slap in the face and here is why. I've always been neurotic. I've been horribly dealing with my problems for as long as you have known me. That hasn't changed. I've always had feelings for you. That hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is that you know that I'll never been truly satisfied being your friend. And you can't live with that. You can't live with the guilt that you caused me unhappiness. So instead of being a man, and just facing me and admiting to yourself that nothing feels right in your world and you don't know way, you push away the one person who has always been real and there for you, no matter her feelings or situation. The person who you once said "hugs made everything in the world seem okay". And even though you're going to attribute this to me wanting to win you back, I don't care. I'm fighting for you Omega because I care enough about you to do so. You're not okay. I know that. I've known you long enough to know that. I don't know what it is that is wrong because you don't tell me everything and maybe because it has to do with me. Whatever. But I'm not giving up. I'm not losing you again. I've lost you too many times before and didn't fight for you. I've been in relationships with tou and didn't fight for you.
Not anymore. You are worth fighting for.
Come back to me.
please
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