The things I never said.

O'mega,

I'm seeing what my communications teacher meant when he said that friends with benefits takes the most commitment. It takes so much strength not to constantly tell you how much I love you and how badly I ache to be in your life. But this is the most I can get. To be at arms reach. I can only hope that one day, you are on the other side of my misery. That when it finally does stop raining, it's because of you. Because, to me, you hung the moon. The sun shines for you and sets for you. The world spins a little slower when I'm with you and colors are a little brighter, music a little sweeter. And it feels like you have no clue of how madly I'm in love with you. 

And yes, there is a peace inside of me. I've come to terms with the fact that I ruined us and the only way for me to feel slightly better about that is to be what you want me to be. At arms length. Tough. Non-emotional. Kind. Giving. Funny. Sarcastic. Sexy. Strong enough to take care of myself, yet weak enough so you can save me. Independent. Brave. And mask what I really want to do and want to say. Bite my lip to stop the tears. Because I don't like the me that destroyed my happy ending. I hate her. And those tears, the need to blurt out every little thought without any regard to your feelings, that's her. So I'm MAKING a new PJ in the hopes that, if I'm lucky, you'll fall in love with her and I get my happy ending back. 

Because without you I am none of those things. I am weak, cowardly, emotional, awkward, selfish, greedy, mean, jealous, and in desperate need of saving. But the only person around is me. A person that I hate. And I realized this in Florida. And so I decided to give myself a makeover to be who you want me to be. Yes, it may destroy everything that I stand for and every feminist bone in my body but it's given me a purpose. This new journey has given me the drive to get my ass out of bed in the morning. And I can only hope and pray that you are noticing and that it is working because I am a train wreck without you and I need my life I stop falling apart and I can't put it back together by myself. I've tried. So hard. And I can't. I'm so bad at being alone. Don't leave me alone. Don't make me change everything about me. Just fall back in love with me. Please please please. 

I sound like a seriously crazy person.