The Reason Why

This may come off as condescending. This may come off as me being bitchy, whiny, moody, or whatever. The only thing that I intend for this post to be is truthful. I will try to keep my emotions out of it. 

You know that we've been really good friends for a very long time. Around 11 years, just about. Some of that time we went without speaking, but we always reconnected and we always picked up right where we left off. We've commonly referred to ourselves as a volcano meeting a tornado. We are two strong willed, very bright personalities. We are also both stubborn to a fault, and way too confident in ourselves. But, we both love the flying fuck out of the other. That's how it's always been. This is not the first time I've tried to kill myself. This is just the first time you've been able to validate blaming yourself. Well, I hate to break it to you, but when I sat on my bed room floor and swallowed 24 Tylenol, I was not doing it because I couldn't be your girlfriend. Now, I know I said that I felt like I couldn't live without being your girlfriend when I was having that emotional meltdown in the parking lot of J Mall, but when I texted you on my spring break and said "that's the last time I'm going to say that (I love you)" or something along those lines, I meant that. I was desperately trying to adjust to what you wanted, which was to be friends. I didn't want to throw away 11 years of friendship. Who would want that? I had shifted my mind frame to focus on being your friend. Now, in the 11 years that we've been friends I have been in either one or two places. I've either had a secret crush on you that I couldn't tell you about or in a relationship with someone else and emotionally occupied. But it always seemed to come back to you. There were times that you were in a relationship and I gave you advice on that relationship. But I had feelings for you. I wanted to be that special person in your life. Did it affect my friendship with you? No. Was I only your friend because I was waiting to be your girlfriend? No. The only difference between the past decade of our lives and now is that you are aware of how I feel. You then will second guess everything I say or suggest as some evil backhanded ploy to steal you back. Which is understandable, but also messed up. It's messed up because in order for that to be true, I'd have to be the kind of person who plays mind games and who doesn't try to be as transparent as possible, both of which are not me, as we both know  Now, I'm not going to say that our situation had nothing to do with my decision to attempt to take my life because that wouldn't be true. But the past three times I've tried this, my situation with you also played a part. It was not the main reason. But it was fuel to the fire. The big reason was that I felt overwhelmed and out of choices. I felt like everything bad was happening to me and that my only way out was to stop living. When I get that sort of head space where I feel alone and hopeless, it's easy to convince yourself that you have no options and that suicide is the only way out. I had drowned myself in these thoughts that I didn't think to call someone or talk to someone. I'm only now being able to verbalize them properly, so how could I do that in the moment? The only thing I was thinking of as I laid in bed and waited for the wave of nausea to spread over me was that I wasn't going to have to deal with going here, going there, finishing a paper, taking showers, getting haircuts, studying for finals. I could just be at peace and not have any responsibilities. I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular. I was only thinking of me. Now, here comes the part that you might not like. When I was finally able to come home after 3 days in an intensive inpatient psychiatric program, the first person I wanted to tell that Inwas home was YOU. Why? Because after all the pain we've caused each other and all that we've helped each other through and all we've forgiven each other for., I consider you my best friend. The person who would understand. And what happens? You tell me that you're choosing yourself and your sanity by walking out of my life. Now, I know I can drive people bonkers. I have a weird, dark, poorly-timed sense of humor. I live at the will of my emotions. I'm truthful to a fault. I'm judgemental. And, most importantly, I'm independent and selfish. Sometimes, these things help me. But when it comes to making friends and being in healthy relationships, they are horrible traits. And I can't blame you for walking out of my life on the basis of choosing your sanity. That's why you did it in high school. That's why you did it in January. That's why you did it freshman year of college. But what I don't understand is that it came from you. The person who has sat in the phone with me for hours on end at all hours of the night while I broke down. Every other person would hang up, have hung up, because they didn't have time or the energy to deal with me. But you have always been there for me. You've never chosen yourself. And I've always been there for you. I've given you advice even when it burned on the way out. So, for you to chose yourself and your sanity now was a big fat slap in the face and here is why. I've always been neurotic. I've been horribly dealing with my problems for as long as you have known me. That hasn't changed. I've always had feelings for you. That hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is that you know that I'll never been truly satisfied being your friend. And you can't live with that. You can't live with the guilt that you caused me unhappiness. So instead of being a man, and just facing me and admiting to yourself that nothing feels right in your world and you don't know way, you push away the one person who has always been real and there for you, no matter her feelings or situation. The person who you once said "hugs made everything in the world seem okay". And even though you're going to attribute this to me wanting to win you back, I don't care. I'm fighting for you Omega because I care enough about you to do so. You're not okay. I know that. I've known you long enough to know that. I don't know what it is that is wrong because you don't tell me everything and maybe because it has to do with me. Whatever. But I'm not giving up. I'm not losing you again. I've lost you too many times before and didn't fight for you. I've been in relationships with tou and didn't fight for you. 

Not anymore. You are worth fighting for. 

Come back to me. 

please

The things I never said.

O'mega,

I'm seeing what my communications teacher meant when he said that friends with benefits takes the most commitment. It takes so much strength not to constantly tell you how much I love you and how badly I ache to be in your life. But this is the most I can get. To be at arms reach. I can only hope that one day, you are on the other side of my misery. That when it finally does stop raining, it's because of you. Because, to me, you hung the moon. The sun shines for you and sets for you. The world spins a little slower when I'm with you and colors are a little brighter, music a little sweeter. And it feels like you have no clue of how madly I'm in love with you. 

And yes, there is a peace inside of me. I've come to terms with the fact that I ruined us and the only way for me to feel slightly better about that is to be what you want me to be. At arms length. Tough. Non-emotional. Kind. Giving. Funny. Sarcastic. Sexy. Strong enough to take care of myself, yet weak enough so you can save me. Independent. Brave. And mask what I really want to do and want to say. Bite my lip to stop the tears. Because I don't like the me that destroyed my happy ending. I hate her. And those tears, the need to blurt out every little thought without any regard to your feelings, that's her. So I'm MAKING a new PJ in the hopes that, if I'm lucky, you'll fall in love with her and I get my happy ending back. 

Because without you I am none of those things. I am weak, cowardly, emotional, awkward, selfish, greedy, mean, jealous, and in desperate need of saving. But the only person around is me. A person that I hate. And I realized this in Florida. And so I decided to give myself a makeover to be who you want me to be. Yes, it may destroy everything that I stand for and every feminist bone in my body but it's given me a purpose. This new journey has given me the drive to get my ass out of bed in the morning. And I can only hope and pray that you are noticing and that it is working because I am a train wreck without you and I need my life I stop falling apart and I can't put it back together by myself. I've tried. So hard. And I can't. I'm so bad at being alone. Don't leave me alone. Don't make me change everything about me. Just fall back in love with me. Please please please. 

I sound like a seriously crazy person. 

Desperation

I stare at my phone and type messages to you, only to quickly delete them and throw my phone down in anger. Why do I think that anything I say is going to change anything? I've messed us up past the point of any type of return. 

Why do I still have hope?

A thought

Remember that night in Richmond? How we slept together so peacefully? And you said how is it that we spent 6 months trying to sleep on this bed and now it comes easily? I just thought of the reason why. 

Because we stopped trying to have the most room. It wasn't I don't have enough room. It wasn't I'm hot. It wasn't get off my pillow. It was about laying next to each other and being together. 

Maybe if we figured that out sooner, we'd be together. Maybe if i figured that out sooner, we'd still be together and happy. 

Guess I'll never know. 

Doesn't it suck when you figure everything out too late?

Sap.

It breaks my heart to just be your friend. I know in my head that it's better to be halfway in your life than not in it at all, but you're still all I think about. You're what helps me sleep at night. When something excites me, you're the first person I want to share it with. But I stop myself. I stop myself from loving you because I don't want you to hate me anymore. Or have contempt for me anymore. That's what my love does to you. It makes you angry and bitter and unhappy. I want us to be a thing again so badly that it hurts. I need to be yours again so badly that I can actually feel my body yearning to be next to you. It aches in my chest like a wound. A wound that I'm not sure will heal. I feel your phantom hands around my waist and the emptiness around me chills me to the core. I miss your warmth. You're so happy and proud that we are friends again, but do you know that the ghost of your love haunts me every minute that my heart beats? I'm dying without you, and I feel so weak that this is my reality. I make fun of girls like me. I hate girls like me. But you've ruined me and what I stand for. My sanity is no longer mine. It is not my organic sanity. It is forced, given to me by therapists, self-help books, and what I know I should be feeling. My sanity is at a bare minimum to help me survive. And I can't ask you again. I can't plead and make a fool of myself again. So I'll just continue being your friend, and help you get happy. And slowly wither away in the process, while you are oblivious to my pain and my sorrow. This is how much I love you. I'm giving you all of me so that you can sleep peacefully at night. 

What I Want

I want to tell you about how hopelessly I'm still in love with you. I want to tell you it literally takes me ten minutes to recover after getting off the phone with you without telling you I love you. I want to talk to you for hours on end like we used to. I want to be able to go to your apartment and lay in your arms. I want to be able to go out on the town with you. I want to be able to think of my future with you and not cry and force myself to stop. I want to tell you how I took you and your love for granted and I regret every fight I had with you and every mean word I said to you and every second I was responsible for your sadness. I want to make you happy now and forever. I want to get hopelessly drunk so I have enough courage to tell you these things. 

But would it change anything? Would it make you love me again?

I don't know. 

Texas Hold 'Em

Life is a dangerous thing. It can easily ruin a person. The threat of the future, the ghosts of the past, the idea of living every moment to the fullest. Wasted potential, the threat of hope. All of these things can destroy you if you let them. But sometimes you need to let go of what you wanted in the past, let go of what you want so desperately in the future, and just let the universe hand you the cards that it had planned for you all along. Why worry, why plan, why grieve, why stress about things that you can literally never have a say in? Just take the cards as they're dealt to you and play them the best you can. Play to win. If you feel like you love someone, tell them. Could it hurt you? Yeah. Could it make you happy? Yeah. Life is a poker game with the highest of stakes: happiness. Only let people that you trust see you without your poker face on. Be greedy with your chips. Don't waste your hard earned happiness in people who don't deserve it. Have fun. Do what feels good. Don't let the house ruffle your feathers. Play to win.